Here it is…
Valentine’s week. So, I thought I’d be daring and tackle the institution of
“love”…. More specifically, “marital love”. You may ask, “What’s so DARING
about that?” Just read on, and you will see.
I read recently
that Candace Cameron Bure (child-star from the TV series,
Full House) received much criticism for describing her role in
marriage as “submissive” in her new book,
Balancing
It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose. She did a pretty good
job
of explaining herself in an
interview on HuffPost Live, defining
submissive as “meekness; …not weakness”.
She quoted a passage from 1 Peter 3:1, which says,
“ . That’s a great
passage, but I prefer to explain the biblical roles of wives, and husbands,
using a passage from Ephesians 5:
“22 Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For
the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He
is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just
as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own
husbands in everything.
25 Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,26 that
He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that
He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle
or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So
husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his
wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever
hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For
we are members of His body, of His flesh and
of His bones. 31 “For this reason
a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two
shall become one flesh.”32 This
is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless
let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the
wife see that
she respects her husband.”
I remember a time when this scripture passage was one of
the most quoted during wedding ceremonies. However, our society has shied away
from it due to its propensity to offend us in our quest for women’s rights.
But, for the most part, those who are offended by these verses probably don’t
really understand them. Let me attempt to give you a perspective on them that
you may have not seen before.
Let’s begin by addressing the notion that the author, the
Apostle Paul, is instructing wives to relinquish their rights to their
husbands. This is not the case. Jesus did not remove rights from the church
when He made Himself her savior. What He did remove was her responsibility. It
was clear that the people were, and are, incapable of paying a debt created by
sin. So, Jesus removed the debt by paying it Himself, thereby removing the
responsibility to pay that debt. In the same way, Paul’s instruction removes certain
responsibility from the wife and places it on the husband.
So, what IS this responsibility? In a word, it’s LOVE.
And what is love? No, it’s not an emotion. It’s not something you feel, but
something you do. To quote an old DC Talk
song, “Luv Is A Verb”. Yes, gentlemen, this means we have to DO something. But
what? If love is a verb, and a verb is an action word, then what does that
action look like? Let’s let the Ephesians passage address that. I will
elaborate.
First, Christ “gave Himself” for the church. He gave up
His position, privilege and power. He denied his own needs for the needs of His
bride. He takes the blame which would rightfully belong to her upon Himself, finding
her faultless and humbling Himself. He cleanses her, making her without spot or
wrinkle in His own eyes (He is the judge). Finally He nourishes and cherishes
her; providing everything she needs and lavishing her with gifts.
What a woman needs from her husband is to feel safe and
secure. This does not necessarily mean she needs to BE safe and secure. The
husband has a responsibility to make her feel safe, even in dangerous
situations. He needs to make her feel secure… physically, financially and
emotionally. She needs to know that he is willing to take care of her in every
situation; that she is most important in his eyes. This is not to say that she
needs to be cared for, as though she is incapable. It is a matter of the
husband’s priorities.
On the other hand, husbands also have needs. Men are
generally insecure in themselves. Oh sure, they put on a good front. But if the
truth be told, on the inside they continually second-guess themselves and
search those around them for confirmation. An old Cheap Trick song puts it this way, “I want you to want me. I need
you to need me. I’d love you to love me.” Men are begging for approval. Encouragement is like the air that we breathe
to men, and in the case of a married man, who is given the responsibility of the
family’s well-being, a little respect and reassurance goes a long way toward
incentivizing him.
I have recently had the incredible honor of addressing
two young couples as a part of their wedding events. In each case I spoke on
this scripture after the Holy Spirit gave me a picture of what this concept
should look like. Without this revelation I would not have been able to
effectively communicate this mandate to these newlyweds. The picture looks like
this. At some point in their childhood every little girl dreams about what
their marriage will be like. They see themselves as some sort of a princess
being swept off her feet by the handsome and brave prince. Little boys
conversely dream of being the hero, vanquishing the bad guys and winning the
admiration of the kingdom and its ladies in waiting. So my advice to these
young grooms, to whom I had the opportunity to publicly counsel, was this;
“Make your new bride your princess, and she will make you her king…. And it is
GOOD to be king”
The concept is pretty simple. If husbands would treat
their wives like a princess, serving her with joy and causing her to feel
special in every way, and if wives give their husbands every courtesy and honor
that they would a king, then a marriage cannot be anything, but an environment
where both parties thrive and have the ability to live up to their full
potential. And God wants nothing less than that for us. You see, this
scripture, which has been given a bad rap, is a recipe for a healthier, happier
marriage. Now go and live it out, and be blessed in doing so.