Love And Marriage: Happily Ever After

Here it is… Valentine’s week. So, I thought I’d be daring and tackle the institution of “love”…. More specifically, “marital love”. You may ask, “What’s so DARING about that?” Just read on, and you will see.

I read recently that Candace Cameron Bure (child-star from the TV series, Full House) received much criticism for describing her role in marriage as “submissive” in her new book, Balancing It All: My Story of Juggling Priorities and Purpose. She did a pretty good job of explaining herself in an interview on HuffPost Live, defining submissive as “meekness; …not weakness”. She quoted a passage from 1 Peter 3:1, which says, “ . That’s a great passage, but I prefer to explain the biblical roles of wives, and husbands, using a passage from Ephesians 5:

^“22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.

²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

I remember a time when this scripture passage was one of the most quoted during wedding ceremonies. However, our society has shied away from it due to its propensity to offend us in our quest for women’s rights. But, for the most part, those who are offended by these verses probably don’t really understand them. Let me attempt to give you a perspective on them that you may have not seen before.

Let’s begin by addressing the notion that the author, the Apostle Paul, is instructing wives to relinquish their rights to their husbands. This is not the case. Jesus did not remove rights from the church when He made Himself her savior. What He did remove was her responsibility. It was clear that the people were, and are, incapable of paying a debt created by sin. So, Jesus removed the debt by paying it Himself, thereby removing the responsibility to pay that debt. In the same way, Paul’s instruction removes certain responsibility from the wife and places it on the husband.

So, what IS this responsibility? In a word, it’s LOVE. And what is love? No, it’s not an emotion. It’s not something you feel, but something you do. To quote an old DC Talk song, “Luv Is A Verb”. Yes, gentlemen, this means we have to DO something. But what? If love is a verb, and a verb is an action word, then what does that action look like? Let’s let the Ephesians passage address that. I will elaborate.

First, Christ “gave Himself” for the church. He gave up His position, privilege and power. He denied his own needs for the needs of His bride. He takes the blame which would rightfully belong to her upon Himself, finding her faultless and humbling Himself. He cleanses her, making her without spot or wrinkle in His own eyes (He is the judge). Finally He nourishes and cherishes her; providing everything she needs and lavishing her with gifts.

What a woman needs from her husband is to feel safe and secure. This does not necessarily mean she needs to BE safe and secure. The husband has a responsibility to make her feel safe, even in dangerous situations. He needs to make her feel secure… physically, financially and emotionally. She needs to know that he is willing to take care of her in every situation; that she is most important in his eyes. This is not to say that she needs to be cared for, as though she is incapable. It is a matter of the husband’s priorities.

On the other hand, husbands also have needs. Men are generally insecure in themselves. Oh sure, they put on a good front. But if the truth be told, on the inside they continually second-guess themselves and search those around them for confirmation. An old Cheap Trick song puts it this way, “I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I’d love you to love me.” Men are begging for approval.  Encouragement is like the air that we breathe to men, and in the case of a married man, who is given the responsibility of the family’s well-being, a little respect and reassurance goes a long way toward incentivizing him.

I have recently had the incredible honor of addressing two young couples as a part of their wedding events. In each case I spoke on this scripture after the Holy Spirit gave me a picture of what this concept should look like. Without this revelation I would not have been able to effectively communicate this mandate to these newlyweds. The picture looks like this. At some point in their childhood every little girl dreams about what their marriage will be like. They see themselves as some sort of a princess being swept off her feet by the handsome and brave prince. Little boys conversely dream of being the hero, vanquishing the bad guys and winning the admiration of the kingdom and its ladies in waiting. So my advice to these young grooms, to whom I had the opportunity to publicly counsel, was this; “Make your new bride your princess, and she will make you her king…. And it is GOOD to be king”

The concept is pretty simple. If husbands would treat their wives like a princess, serving her with joy and causing her to feel special in every way, and if wives give their husbands every courtesy and honor that they would a king, then a marriage cannot be anything, but an environment where both parties thrive and have the ability to live up to their full potential. And God wants nothing less than that for us. You see, this scripture, which has been given a bad rap, is a recipe for a healthier, happier marriage. Now go and live it out, and be blessed in doing so.